Letting Go

My middle, younger brother died July 30 from cancer; will not dump my feelings of extreme dislike toward that disease, only to say that it now rivals the hatred I have for addiction! Coulter was a gentle spirit with a mischievous sense of adventure that kept the family on its toes. I miss his energy terribly and am so sad he is gone. I find I am struggling to even get into the anger and feel enough to write goodbye.

I said goodbye; released his body in love, voicing the words his human needed to hear. He was a great brother – all three of my brothers are true blessings in my life. My head tells me all kinds of stuff, my heart tells me he is gone to “a better place” blah, blah, blah and my spirit guides wait patiently for me to crack as I hold on desperately to nothing.

Coulter has visited me as a freed spirit in many forms, most pronounced the red-tailed hawk. Be well, be free, be happy! I am sad you are gone and not here with me, my brother. Most of all, I am sad for me as I am here and you are there - knowing all once again.

“My basic flaw had always been dependence -- almost absolute dependence - on people or circumstances to supply me with prestige, security, and the like. Failing to get these things according to my perfectionist dreams and specifications, I had fought for them. And when defeat came, so did my depression.”
"The Next Frontier: Emotional Sobriety" by Bill Wilson Copyright © AA Grapevine, Inc, January 1958

This never fails to get me thinking!

The Flow

I know a River runs thru the kingdom…
Natural progression now restricted by unseen barriers
The flow of life is now enslaved by uninvited commands
Uncontrollable twigs of thought – recognized, but rebellious

An unwanted reservoir is forming from these chains
With all movement stalemating …
Murky, moss covered depression emerges
The surface of the land, crumbling from the pain

Please, help restore this cleansing River.
The connections between the land & castle
Are incomplete, without this flow of cleansing love
That restores hope and faith to all struggling thoughts

The castle is in need of catharsis
Only the Spirit of the River can provide
A foundation, though firm, needs moisture to survive
To balance, compress the terra firma tides

Welcome with invitation the darkening clouds
And embrace the rain…
Rejoice in the cleansing acceptance
Of the needed ingredient - Change!

© 2010 reprint permission required

Mirrors All Around Me

Never ceases to amaze me how Creator places growth opportunities at every turn; got to spend a couple of days with an individual that suffers from the same blaring open defects of arrogance, self centeredness and untreated codependency that I have dealt with in my life all too often. Must say, my patience ran very thin a couple of times! Pausing often, I asked myself “did I know how sick I was then?” Clearly not or my journey would have started then – ha! How grateful I am for those loving spirits that patiently redirected me & still do. I now ask for the patience & skill to apply towards this person as we will cross paths again soon. My emotional sobriety study is not a mistake in timing!!

Embracing the Darkness once again

Events of recent weeks have sent me reeling in reaction to others behaviors. Sometimes walking the path of recovery is challenging; which is the humbling part I suppose. Since much of my time is spent offering the suggestion to others to look at their side or their part first, I have been doing this. This introspection is leading me on quite a journey; familiar in many aspects, yet into deeper and darker territories of the self. I must express my gratitude for the love and guidance of Creator and my Guiding Energies. I am revisiting the book The Dark Side of the Light Chasers by Debbie Ford along with my older writings as I realize the world is presenting me with another growth opportunity (shedding of a skin, removing a layer of the onion, etc) to embrace parts of myself and make better choices in my life.

Early Spring Awakening

I am finding myself finally pulling out of the darkness of a serious energy slump: this past week has brought an amazing turn in direction. I have the odd feeling that a door is slowly closing on aspects of my life, but there is no fear. I have the serene and secure awareness that there are several doors already standing open that I am being allowed to peer into! It is such a rush to realize Creator has removed the hallway and is right here helping me trust the process. I must express my gratitude for the gifts of intuition, channeling and insight I have been given; along with the loving support of my friends. There is no way I could be doing this alone.

challenge

Recent contact with an old friend from High School was quite refreshing. Time certianly changes things - most of all my view and acceptance. She commented that it was hard to cover 30 years in 300 words. Of course I had to try -
1978 we said it was great
1979 adult delusions began
1980 self sabotage!
1981 wanted to play house
1982 raging manic
1983 ditto
1984 ditto manifesting insanity
1985 insanity & chaos
1986 numbness & denial
1987 the crash
1988 poor me
1989 pity parties
1990 losses create insight/gain
1991 started showing up
1992 shock - kept showing up
1993 building life sucks
1994 reality bites
1995 realize I'm ok & not alone
1996 not the center of the universe
1997 time to allow change
1998 WOW change
1999 new spiritual insights
2000 control freak revealed
2001 ouch - painful growth
2002 settle for settling?
2003 one foot in front of the other
2004 life seems dull or real?
2005 WAKE UP!
2006 life on lifes terms
2007 REALITY
2008 must have darkness at times again
2009 to appreciate the light