Saturday, July 23, 2011
Fear vs. Courage
Fear takes many forms. So many times, I have heard people say that the opposite of fear is faith; I am starting to think now that the opposite of fear is courage; courage and action. I found it hard the last couple of weeks to stay in action due to poor health. Today I took the action of turning on the computer and typing. Reaching out to others to share experience, strength and hope has been a subtle action but one that is been helpful beyond belief for me tonight. I know that each one of us has something to offer others regardless of where we may be in any given moment. I am so grateful for the strength and courage granted to me by Creator and the marvelous friendships of people I know in person or online.
Sharing our pain
Does it take strength or fear to publish our lives for the universe to hear? I am going with strength - strength from a Higher Power. Sharing our pain opens us to others inventory taking, ridicule & critism; but also the prayers & support of those that get it.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Fall Growth Spurt
Recent events have directed me to think about the idea common welfare as a way of deflecting the responsibility of taking care of myself, aka as dishonesty for me. It is so challenging these days to have a “safe place” to vent, share feelings and sort out our challenges. At least, that one does not have to pay an office call fee or co-pay if you are luckily enough to have insurance that covers quality mental health care. Meetings are a blessing, but right now only a starting place for me. Working with other drunks does keep me sober, but not necessarily sane. My sponsor directed “Cotton out of ears and in the mouth– it had been awhile since I heard that one!”
When I was at my rawest point in feelings of grief, I somehow betrayed myself by speaking my truths and releasing my pain sideways, only to feel attacked for doing so. I had the expectation of being understood and accepted for what I was NOT saying – the truth. Instead, all I shared was my anger, which most everyone took correctly as…anger! This resulted in more feelings of guilt and shame of me not being good enough, strong enough or stable enough. I walked dangerously along the trail inviting self-pity and depression; thank God for a letter our friend, Bill W. written in January 1958 – a year before I was born. As I re-read The Next Frontier: Emotional Sobriety, it could have well been addressed Dear Kate…
I was able to make amends promptly for lashing out strongly and being selfish, bringing about yet another time of new awareness has, as the amends process always does. If I want people to know I am in pain and need support, I say so – just because I tell them does not mean they can be there for me or provide that support. Time to trust Creator, sponsor and the closest friends that I know are here for me.
I was able to spend a day working with newcomers and sharing the truth of my new onion layer tonight in a speaker meeting. In speaking, I felt the release and forgiveness process completed once again. Recovery is such a gift; many blessings, miracles, triumphs, tears, bundled together with laughter and hugs.
When I was at my rawest point in feelings of grief, I somehow betrayed myself by speaking my truths and releasing my pain sideways, only to feel attacked for doing so. I had the expectation of being understood and accepted for what I was NOT saying – the truth. Instead, all I shared was my anger, which most everyone took correctly as…anger! This resulted in more feelings of guilt and shame of me not being good enough, strong enough or stable enough. I walked dangerously along the trail inviting self-pity and depression; thank God for a letter our friend, Bill W. written in January 1958 – a year before I was born. As I re-read The Next Frontier: Emotional Sobriety, it could have well been addressed Dear Kate…
I was able to make amends promptly for lashing out strongly and being selfish, bringing about yet another time of new awareness has, as the amends process always does. If I want people to know I am in pain and need support, I say so – just because I tell them does not mean they can be there for me or provide that support. Time to trust Creator, sponsor and the closest friends that I know are here for me.
I was able to spend a day working with newcomers and sharing the truth of my new onion layer tonight in a speaker meeting. In speaking, I felt the release and forgiveness process completed once again. Recovery is such a gift; many blessings, miracles, triumphs, tears, bundled together with laughter and hugs.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Hand out vs Hand up
Establishing boundaries while helping others learn to help themselves is a challenging endeavor at times. The process and the progress of recovery is not a smooth one. Many times, I reflect back and wonder: did assistance I received along the way help or hamper my journey?
There is a delicate balance between the two. Handouts kept me dependent on other people and most of those people had conditions or expectations on the handouts. In turn, I found people I could play the same game with – pity the poor souls that had even less than I did! Comes to mind at this point in my key pecking that the expectations went beyond the material stuff and into control measures. As noted in recovery texts, dependence on others removes the need to turn things over to a Higher Power…hhmm…
On the other hand, hand ups from people, angels or God saved many moments. A tank of gas when I really needed it & least expected it, a real bed when I had been sleeping on the floor- arriving when I was on bed rest following my miscarriage, food boxes and tips amounting to 2 cents more than my rent payment. These well-timed gifts restored or validated my faith that I was going in the right direction.
I ask Creator today to help me provide a true hand up over giving handouts – hold all expectations, please!
There is a delicate balance between the two. Handouts kept me dependent on other people and most of those people had conditions or expectations on the handouts. In turn, I found people I could play the same game with – pity the poor souls that had even less than I did! Comes to mind at this point in my key pecking that the expectations went beyond the material stuff and into control measures. As noted in recovery texts, dependence on others removes the need to turn things over to a Higher Power…hhmm…
On the other hand, hand ups from people, angels or God saved many moments. A tank of gas when I really needed it & least expected it, a real bed when I had been sleeping on the floor- arriving when I was on bed rest following my miscarriage, food boxes and tips amounting to 2 cents more than my rent payment. These well-timed gifts restored or validated my faith that I was going in the right direction.
I ask Creator today to help me provide a true hand up over giving handouts – hold all expectations, please!
Monday, October 11, 2010
Last Resort - Rolling Eyes & Exit
Topic and observations of control measures this chilly, fall Wyoming day; I welcome the rain, but relinquish all control of others behaviors and lives to the best of my ability. As sorry as I may feel for others life situations, today I found it necessary to state some boundaries and in one case just shake my head, role my eyes and walk away….Let Go, Let God.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Another Day in Promidise: a new freedom and a new happiness
October 6, 2010
I am so grateful to have the job I have today; was able to sit and listen to someone that was struggling with voices of fear that were sabotaging her job interview performances. I could really relate when she tearfully stammered, “It is like I know what they are thinking about me and they know what a lousy person I am, so why would they hire me?”
My years of addiction and codependency left me hollow. I know that similar voices to hers frequently assaulted me; I gradually learned those voices came from inside me, bouncing off every fear I have ever had. All those feelings I had as a kid; that I did not belong, no one liked me, I was fat, ugly….joined together to kick my, well, you get the picture if you are following this blog.
As I study emotional recovery, the power of Step 5 work – admitting to Creator, ourselves, another person the exact nature of our wrongs - it gets more clear to me that it is my feelings and impressions of my past that I keep holding against myself. The longer I beat myself up, the more alone and miserable I feel. In addition to being a hostage to this hopeless state of mind, I can be so self-centered I am certain that everyone else thinks the same way I do – so surely others detest me also. That odd twist of addiction/codependency that can keep me in powerlessness and unmanageability (aka miserable!) has now ceased more often than not – woo hoo! Sharing this with my sponsor in the beginning, others along the recovery path, the job seeker today, now with all of you – again sets me free.
Promise: We will know a new freedom and a new happiness.
I am so grateful to have the job I have today; was able to sit and listen to someone that was struggling with voices of fear that were sabotaging her job interview performances. I could really relate when she tearfully stammered, “It is like I know what they are thinking about me and they know what a lousy person I am, so why would they hire me?”
My years of addiction and codependency left me hollow. I know that similar voices to hers frequently assaulted me; I gradually learned those voices came from inside me, bouncing off every fear I have ever had. All those feelings I had as a kid; that I did not belong, no one liked me, I was fat, ugly….joined together to kick my, well, you get the picture if you are following this blog.
As I study emotional recovery, the power of Step 5 work – admitting to Creator, ourselves, another person the exact nature of our wrongs - it gets more clear to me that it is my feelings and impressions of my past that I keep holding against myself. The longer I beat myself up, the more alone and miserable I feel. In addition to being a hostage to this hopeless state of mind, I can be so self-centered I am certain that everyone else thinks the same way I do – so surely others detest me also. That odd twist of addiction/codependency that can keep me in powerlessness and unmanageability (aka miserable!) has now ceased more often than not – woo hoo! Sharing this with my sponsor in the beginning, others along the recovery path, the job seeker today, now with all of you – again sets me free.
Promise: We will know a new freedom and a new happiness.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Boundaries as a Laughing Matter?
The mystery of boundaries was a discussion point today with me and a couple of wonderful friends. Each of us being survivors of less than functional home environments, chuckled at how uncomfortable we feel when we set first set healthy boundaries. There is such a rush of empowerment, then codependency bites and fear attacks; we spent time listening to one woman's fear, then validating and sharing laughter as we reminded each other to stay in the moment and trust God.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)