Fall Growth Spurt

Recent events have directed me to think about the idea common welfare as a way of deflecting the responsibility of taking care of myself, aka as dishonesty for me. It is so challenging these days to have a “safe place” to vent, share feelings and sort out our challenges. At least, that one does not have to pay an office call fee or co-pay if you are luckily enough to have insurance that covers quality mental health care. Meetings are a blessing, but right now only a starting place for me. Working with other drunks does keep me sober, but not necessarily sane. My sponsor directed “Cotton out of ears and in the mouth– it had been awhile since I heard that one!”

When I was at my rawest point in feelings of grief, I somehow betrayed myself by speaking my truths and releasing my pain sideways, only to feel attacked for doing so. I had the expectation of being understood and accepted for what I was NOT saying – the truth. Instead, all I shared was my anger, which most everyone took correctly as…anger! This resulted in more feelings of guilt and shame of me not being good enough, strong enough or stable enough. I walked dangerously along the trail inviting self-pity and depression; thank God for a letter our friend, Bill W. written in January 1958 – a year before I was born. As I re-read The Next Frontier: Emotional Sobriety, it could have well been addressed Dear Kate…

I was able to make amends promptly for lashing out strongly and being selfish, bringing about yet another time of new awareness has, as the amends process always does. If I want people to know I am in pain and need support, I say so – just because I tell them does not mean they can be there for me or provide that support. Time to trust Creator, sponsor and the closest friends that I know are here for me.

I was able to spend a day working with newcomers and sharing the truth of my new onion layer tonight in a speaker meeting. In speaking, I felt the release and forgiveness process completed once again. Recovery is such a gift; many blessings, miracles, triumphs, tears, bundled together with laughter and hugs.

Hand out vs Hand up

Establishing boundaries while helping others learn to help themselves is a challenging endeavor at times. The process and the progress of recovery is not a smooth one. Many times, I reflect back and wonder: did assistance I received along the way help or hamper my journey?

There is a delicate balance between the two. Handouts kept me dependent on other people and most of those people had conditions or expectations on the handouts. In turn, I found people I could play the same game with – pity the poor souls that had even less than I did! Comes to mind at this point in my key pecking that the expectations went beyond the material stuff and into control measures. As noted in recovery texts, dependence on others removes the need to turn things over to a Higher Power…hhmm…

On the other hand, hand ups from people, angels or God saved many moments. A tank of gas when I really needed it & least expected it, a real bed when I had been sleeping on the floor- arriving when I was on bed rest following my miscarriage, food boxes and tips amounting to 2 cents more than my rent payment. These well-timed gifts restored or validated my faith that I was going in the right direction.

I ask Creator today to help me provide a true hand up over giving handouts – hold all expectations, please!

Last Resort - Rolling Eyes & Exit

Topic and observations of control measures this chilly, fall Wyoming day; I welcome the rain, but relinquish all control of others behaviors and lives to the best of my ability. As sorry as I may feel for others life situations, today I found it necessary to state some boundaries and in one case just shake my head, role my eyes and walk away….Let Go, Let God.

Another Day in Promidise: a new freedom and a new happiness

October 6, 2010
I am so grateful to have the job I have today; was able to sit and listen to someone that was struggling with voices of fear that were sabotaging her job interview performances. I could really relate when she tearfully stammered, “It is like I know what they are thinking about me and they know what a lousy person I am, so why would they hire me?”

My years of addiction and codependency left me hollow. I know that similar voices to hers frequently assaulted me; I gradually learned those voices came from inside me, bouncing off every fear I have ever had. All those feelings I had as a kid; that I did not belong, no one liked me, I was fat, ugly….joined together to kick my, well, you get the picture if you are following this blog.

As I study emotional recovery, the power of Step 5 work – admitting to Creator, ourselves, another person the exact nature of our wrongs - it gets more clear to me that it is my feelings and impressions of my past that I keep holding against myself. The longer I beat myself up, the more alone and miserable I feel. In addition to being a hostage to this hopeless state of mind, I can be so self-centered I am certain that everyone else thinks the same way I do – so surely others detest me also. That odd twist of addiction/codependency that can keep me in powerlessness and unmanageability (aka miserable!) has now ceased more often than not – woo hoo! Sharing this with my sponsor in the beginning, others along the recovery path, the job seeker today, now with all of you – again sets me free.

Promise: We will know a new freedom and a new happiness.

Boundaries as a Laughing Matter?

The mystery of boundaries was a discussion point today with me and a couple of wonderful friends. Each of us being survivors of less than functional home environments, chuckled at how uncomfortable we feel when we set first set healthy boundaries. There is such a rush of empowerment, then codependency bites and fear attacks; we spent time listening to one woman's fear, then validating and sharing laughter as we reminded each other to stay in the moment and trust God.

Letting Go

My middle, younger brother died July 30 from cancer; will not dump my feelings of extreme dislike toward that disease, only to say that it now rivals the hatred I have for addiction! Coulter was a gentle spirit with a mischievous sense of adventure that kept the family on its toes. I miss his energy terribly and am so sad he is gone. I find I am struggling to even get into the anger and feel enough to write goodbye.

I said goodbye; released his body in love, voicing the words his human needed to hear. He was a great brother – all three of my brothers are true blessings in my life. My head tells me all kinds of stuff, my heart tells me he is gone to “a better place” blah, blah, blah and my spirit guides wait patiently for me to crack as I hold on desperately to nothing.

Coulter has visited me as a freed spirit in many forms, most pronounced the red-tailed hawk. Be well, be free, be happy! I am sad you are gone and not here with me, my brother. Most of all, I am sad for me as I am here and you are there - knowing all once again.

“My basic flaw had always been dependence -- almost absolute dependence - on people or circumstances to supply me with prestige, security, and the like. Failing to get these things according to my perfectionist dreams and specifications, I had fought for them. And when defeat came, so did my depression.”
"The Next Frontier: Emotional Sobriety" by Bill Wilson Copyright © AA Grapevine, Inc, January 1958

This never fails to get me thinking!

The Flow

I know a River runs thru the kingdom…
Natural progression now restricted by unseen barriers
The flow of life is now enslaved by uninvited commands
Uncontrollable twigs of thought – recognized, but rebellious

An unwanted reservoir is forming from these chains
With all movement stalemating …
Murky, moss covered depression emerges
The surface of the land, crumbling from the pain

Please, help restore this cleansing River.
The connections between the land & castle
Are incomplete, without this flow of cleansing love
That restores hope and faith to all struggling thoughts

The castle is in need of catharsis
Only the Spirit of the River can provide
A foundation, though firm, needs moisture to survive
To balance, compress the terra firma tides

Welcome with invitation the darkening clouds
And embrace the rain…
Rejoice in the cleansing acceptance
Of the needed ingredient - Change!

© 2010 reprint permission required

Mirrors All Around Me

Never ceases to amaze me how Creator places growth opportunities at every turn; got to spend a couple of days with an individual that suffers from the same blaring open defects of arrogance, self centeredness and untreated codependency that I have dealt with in my life all too often. Must say, my patience ran very thin a couple of times! Pausing often, I asked myself “did I know how sick I was then?” Clearly not or my journey would have started then – ha! How grateful I am for those loving spirits that patiently redirected me & still do. I now ask for the patience & skill to apply towards this person as we will cross paths again soon. My emotional sobriety study is not a mistake in timing!!

Embracing the Darkness once again

Events of recent weeks have sent me reeling in reaction to others behaviors. Sometimes walking the path of recovery is challenging; which is the humbling part I suppose. Since much of my time is spent offering the suggestion to others to look at their side or their part first, I have been doing this. This introspection is leading me on quite a journey; familiar in many aspects, yet into deeper and darker territories of the self. I must express my gratitude for the love and guidance of Creator and my Guiding Energies. I am revisiting the book The Dark Side of the Light Chasers by Debbie Ford along with my older writings as I realize the world is presenting me with another growth opportunity (shedding of a skin, removing a layer of the onion, etc) to embrace parts of myself and make better choices in my life.

Early Spring Awakening

I am finding myself finally pulling out of the darkness of a serious energy slump: this past week has brought an amazing turn in direction. I have the odd feeling that a door is slowly closing on aspects of my life, but there is no fear. I have the serene and secure awareness that there are several doors already standing open that I am being allowed to peer into! It is such a rush to realize Creator has removed the hallway and is right here helping me trust the process. I must express my gratitude for the gifts of intuition, channeling and insight I have been given; along with the loving support of my friends. There is no way I could be doing this alone.