Hand out vs Hand up

Establishing boundaries while helping others learn to help themselves is a challenging endeavor at times. The process and the progress of recovery is not a smooth one. Many times, I reflect back and wonder: did assistance I received along the way help or hamper my journey?

There is a delicate balance between the two. Handouts kept me dependent on other people and most of those people had conditions or expectations on the handouts. In turn, I found people I could play the same game with – pity the poor souls that had even less than I did! Comes to mind at this point in my key pecking that the expectations went beyond the material stuff and into control measures. As noted in recovery texts, dependence on others removes the need to turn things over to a Higher Power…hhmm…

On the other hand, hand ups from people, angels or God saved many moments. A tank of gas when I really needed it & least expected it, a real bed when I had been sleeping on the floor- arriving when I was on bed rest following my miscarriage, food boxes and tips amounting to 2 cents more than my rent payment. These well-timed gifts restored or validated my faith that I was going in the right direction.

I ask Creator today to help me provide a true hand up over giving handouts – hold all expectations, please!

Last Resort - Rolling Eyes & Exit

Topic and observations of control measures this chilly, fall Wyoming day; I welcome the rain, but relinquish all control of others behaviors and lives to the best of my ability. As sorry as I may feel for others life situations, today I found it necessary to state some boundaries and in one case just shake my head, role my eyes and walk away….Let Go, Let God.

Another Day in Promidise: a new freedom and a new happiness

October 6, 2010
I am so grateful to have the job I have today; was able to sit and listen to someone that was struggling with voices of fear that were sabotaging her job interview performances. I could really relate when she tearfully stammered, “It is like I know what they are thinking about me and they know what a lousy person I am, so why would they hire me?”

My years of addiction and codependency left me hollow. I know that similar voices to hers frequently assaulted me; I gradually learned those voices came from inside me, bouncing off every fear I have ever had. All those feelings I had as a kid; that I did not belong, no one liked me, I was fat, ugly….joined together to kick my, well, you get the picture if you are following this blog.

As I study emotional recovery, the power of Step 5 work – admitting to Creator, ourselves, another person the exact nature of our wrongs - it gets more clear to me that it is my feelings and impressions of my past that I keep holding against myself. The longer I beat myself up, the more alone and miserable I feel. In addition to being a hostage to this hopeless state of mind, I can be so self-centered I am certain that everyone else thinks the same way I do – so surely others detest me also. That odd twist of addiction/codependency that can keep me in powerlessness and unmanageability (aka miserable!) has now ceased more often than not – woo hoo! Sharing this with my sponsor in the beginning, others along the recovery path, the job seeker today, now with all of you – again sets me free.

Promise: We will know a new freedom and a new happiness.

Boundaries as a Laughing Matter?

The mystery of boundaries was a discussion point today with me and a couple of wonderful friends. Each of us being survivors of less than functional home environments, chuckled at how uncomfortable we feel when we set first set healthy boundaries. There is such a rush of empowerment, then codependency bites and fear attacks; we spent time listening to one woman's fear, then validating and sharing laughter as we reminded each other to stay in the moment and trust God.

Letting Go

My middle, younger brother died July 30 from cancer; will not dump my feelings of extreme dislike toward that disease, only to say that it now rivals the hatred I have for addiction! Coulter was a gentle spirit with a mischievous sense of adventure that kept the family on its toes. I miss his energy terribly and am so sad he is gone. I find I am struggling to even get into the anger and feel enough to write goodbye.

I said goodbye; released his body in love, voicing the words his human needed to hear. He was a great brother – all three of my brothers are true blessings in my life. My head tells me all kinds of stuff, my heart tells me he is gone to “a better place” blah, blah, blah and my spirit guides wait patiently for me to crack as I hold on desperately to nothing.

Coulter has visited me as a freed spirit in many forms, most pronounced the red-tailed hawk. Be well, be free, be happy! I am sad you are gone and not here with me, my brother. Most of all, I am sad for me as I am here and you are there - knowing all once again.

“My basic flaw had always been dependence -- almost absolute dependence - on people or circumstances to supply me with prestige, security, and the like. Failing to get these things according to my perfectionist dreams and specifications, I had fought for them. And when defeat came, so did my depression.”
"The Next Frontier: Emotional Sobriety" by Bill Wilson Copyright © AA Grapevine, Inc, January 1958

This never fails to get me thinking!