Recent events have directed me to think about the idea common welfare as a way of deflecting the responsibility of taking care of myself, aka as dishonesty for me. It is so challenging these days to have a “safe place” to vent, share feelings and sort out our challenges. At least, that one does not have to pay an office call fee or co-pay if you are luckily enough to have insurance that covers quality mental health care. Meetings are a blessing, but right now only a starting place for me. Working with other drunks does keep me sober, but not necessarily sane. My sponsor directed “Cotton out of ears and in the mouth– it had been awhile since I heard that one!”
When I was at my rawest point in feelings of grief, I somehow betrayed myself by speaking my truths and releasing my pain sideways, only to feel attacked for doing so. I had the expectation of being understood and accepted for what I was NOT saying – the truth. Instead, all I shared was my anger, which most everyone took correctly as…anger! This resulted in more feelings of guilt and shame of me not being good enough, strong enough or stable enough. I walked dangerously along the trail inviting self-pity and depression; thank God for a letter our friend, Bill W. written in January 1958 – a year before I was born. As I re-read The Next Frontier: Emotional Sobriety, it could have well been addressed Dear Kate…
I was able to make amends promptly for lashing out strongly and being selfish, bringing about yet another time of new awareness has, as the amends process always does. If I want people to know I am in pain and need support, I say so – just because I tell them does not mean they can be there for me or provide that support. Time to trust Creator, sponsor and the closest friends that I know are here for me.
I was able to spend a day working with newcomers and sharing the truth of my new onion layer tonight in a speaker meeting. In speaking, I felt the release and forgiveness process completed once again. Recovery is such a gift; many blessings, miracles, triumphs, tears, bundled together with laughter and hugs.
